Don’t Cancel Your Plans. Shrink Them

For example: “I really want to see you, but I’m running on fumes. Would you be up for takeout at my place instead?”

Or: “I’m excited to catch up. Could we make it a quick walk? I need an early night.”

Your friend might even be relieved, Rundle says: They may be struggling to muster the energy for the original plan, too. “These are your friends and they love you,” she says. “So they’ll meet you where you are, typically.”

If everyone were to wait for a clean house and the energy to make a cheese board, they might never host again. Rundle suggests being the friend who makes it clear that neither is required. “Come as you are, come in sweatpants,” she says. You can order pizza and leave the mess where it is.

“Somebody’s gotta send out the text,” she says. Otherwise, everyone can end up staying home because hosting sounds like too much work.

Of course, sometimes canceling is the right call. If you’re sick or genuinely need rest, give yourself that time, Rundle says—and take the initiative to reconnect when you’re able. If even the easiest version of a visit fills you with dread, consider how you tend to feel around that person. Consistently leaving feeling judged or depleted warrants a closer look at the relationship.