Divorce lawyer who left “medium-suck” marriage shares 9 signs you’re in one

A divorce lawyer who walked away from what she calls a “medium-suck” marriage is sharing the nine signs you might be in one yourself.

Divorce remains a common part of American life. Researchers at the National Center for Family & Marriage Research estimate that roughly 40 percent of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce.

Every couple has their own reasons for splitting up, but research suggests a handful of common factors emerge repeatedly. A study published in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice found that divorced individuals most frequently cited a lack of commitment (75 percent), infidelity (59.6 percent), and excessive conflict and arguing (57.7 percent) as major contributors to the breakdown of their marriage. Financial problems (36.7 percent) and substance abuse (34.6 percent) were also among the leading causes of divorce.

Divorce attorney Hannah Hembree Bell’s first marriage didn’t end because of any one issue. Nothing was terribly wrong, but nothing was terribly right, either. That’s when she realized she was in what she termed a “medium-suck” marriage.

It’s the phrase she coined to describe the uncomfortable middle ground she found herself in.

“There’s no giant catastrophe. You may not even fight that much. The bills get paid, the kids get to school, the family photos get posted, and from the outside, everything looks perfectly fine. But inside, you’re quietly unhappy,” Hembree Bell told Newsweek. “You’re functioning, not flourishing. And you’ve gotten so used to that low-grade unhappiness that you’ve started calling it normal.”

Hembree Bell can still remember the night she realized she was living that reality during a dinner with her first husband.

“I had gotten all dressed up, done my hair, and was excited for a night together. He barely looked up from the menu,” she said. “Across the restaurant, I saw another couple. The woman was wearing this gorgeous black fur coat and bright red lipstick, and the man beside her was leaning in, laughing, completely captivated by her.”

Hembree Bell found herself wondering what she needed to change about herself to get that kind of attention rather than asking why she wasn’t getting it already. That was the night she admitted she had settled for a “medium-suck” life, and she wanted out.

Today, she’s a happily married mom of four in a blended family and a divorce attorney focused on helping others navigate what can be one of the toughest transitions of their lives. Here, she shares the nine telltale signs you may be living in a medium-suck marriage.

1. Leaving doesn’t feel obvious, but staying doesn’t feel right, either

Hembree Bell said one of the hallmarks of a “medium-suck” marriage is that there is no obvious reason to leave, but no compelling reason to stay, either.

Your spouse isn’t necessarily a terrible person, and your marriage might even look pretty good from the outside. But deep down, you know something is missing. You’re not miserable enough to feel justified in leaving, but you’re not happy enough to feel good about staying.

“So you stay stuck somewhere in the middle, wondering if this is just what marriage is supposed to feel like,” she said.

2. You’ve started measuring your marriage by how bad it isn’t

Rather than focusing on whether they’re happy, Hembree Bell said many people begin assessing their marriage based on what isn’t wrong with it.

“You tell yourself things like, ‘Well, he doesn’t hit me,’ ‘She’s not cheating,’ ‘We don’t fight that much,’ ‘He’s a good provider,’ or ‘She’s a good mom,'” Hembree Bell said. “Listen, those things matter. But the absence of catastrophe is not the same thing as happiness.”

Hembree Bell stressed that someone doesn’t need to prove their spouse is a bad person in order to acknowledge problems in a relationship.

“You don’t need a villain to have a valid problem,” she said.

3. You spend more time trying to become the person your spouse wants than asking what you want

Drawing from her own experience, Hembree Bell said many people become fixated on changing themselves in the hope of finally receiving the love and attention they crave.

“You start thinking, ‘Maybe if I lost 10 pounds. Maybe if I stopped complaining. Maybe if I were more fun, more attractive, less needy, easier to love,'” she said. “You’ve turned yourself into a home improvement project.”

According to Hembree Bell, the real issue is that people often stop asking whether the relationship is meeting their own needs.

4. You’ve stopped asking for what you need because you already know the answer

Hembree Bell said repeated disappointment can eventually cause people to stop expressing their needs altogether.

“You used to ask for date nights, affection, help with the kids, meaningful conversations, or just a little attention,” she said. “But after years of being dismissed, ignored, or made to feel like you’re asking too much, you stop asking.”

That silence, she added, can look like peace from the outside, but it is often a sign of resignation rather than contentment.

5. You feel lonelier sitting next to your spouse than you do when you’re actually alone

According to Hembree Bell, emotional loneliness can persist even in the closest relationships.

“You can share a house, a bed, children, and a bank account and still feel like you’re doing life completely by yourself,” she said.

She believes “sometimes the loneliest place in the world is sitting across the dinner table from the person who’s supposed to be your partner.”

6. You’re really good at making your marriage look happy

Many couples become skilled at maintaining the appearance of a happy marriage, Hembree Bell said.

“You post the family pictures. You show up at the birthday parties. You coordinate the holidays,” she said.

Yet she suggested a revealing question is whether that same person would answer differently if asked in private: “Are you actually happy?”

7. You keep putting your happiness on layaway

Hembree Bell said people often convince themselves they will deal with their marriage problems after the next major life event.

“You’ll deal with the marriage after the kids graduate. After the holidays. After the promotion. After the mortgage is paid off,” she said.

But she warned against endlessly postponing tough decisions.

“Later is a lie,” Hembree Bell said. “At some point, you have to stop postponing your own life.”

8. You’ve stopped imagining a bigger, better future because it feels impossible

According to Hembree Bell, some people become so accustomed to their circumstances that they stop dreaming about a different future.

“You’ve trained yourself not to want things that feel out of reach,” she said.

Instead, she said, people begin shrinking their desires to fit the life they already have rather than questioning whether that life still fits them.

9. Deep down, you know something needs to change, but you’re terrified of what that change will cost

Hembree Bell said this is where many people remain stuck.

“You know you’re unhappy. You know what you want. But you’re thinking about the kids, the house, the finances, the family, what everybody will say, and whether you’ll regret it,” she said.

While she would never encourage someone to make a major decision without considering the consequences, Hembree Bell said people should also weigh the cost of doing nothing.

“Staying exactly where you are has a cost, too,” she said. “I suggest you count both.”

Hembree Bell is keen to stress that recognizing these signs is not automatically an indication that you should get divorced.

“I’m a divorce lawyer, but I’m not out here trying to convince everybody to get divorced,” she said. “Some marriages can be repaired, and some people will decide that staying and doing the work is exactly what they want.”

Contact Newsweek editors on this story: Marc Vargas and Tony Phillips.