What to Say to Someone Who Is Dying, According to Hospice Workers

The conversation can also turn toward the past. Davies uses an approach called life review, inviting people to reflect on the experiences that shaped a person’s life—the highs and lows, regrets and celebrations, important relationships, and the legacy they’ll leave. Looking back can include plenty of laughter: Families might retell favorite stories or swap inside jokes. “I have no idea what they’re referencing,” she says, “but it’s almost like they’re recounting the stories.”

Decades ago, Byock started teaching patients, students, and families that there are four things worth saying to someone before you’re forced to say goodbye. Put them in your own words if you like, but here’s how he phrases it: “Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.”

The first two are there because no relationship is perfect. “Within the history of almost all relationships, there are times of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger—sometimes real transgressions,” Byock says. You can be specific about what you’re asking forgiveness for, or you can keep it general. “Dad, please forgive me, because I know I haven’t been the perfect son,” Byock offers as an example. “And I forgive you for the times that I felt misunderstood and harshly judged by you.”