When Did It Become So Hard to Make Plans With Friends?

“A useful question might be: if I stopped doing all the work of maintaining this friendship, would a friendship still exist?,” asks Dr. Katzman. Sometimes, it may be worth stepping back a bit to see what happens.

When I have done that in the past, a lot of the friendships naturally dissipated, whereas when I look at all the close friendships I have now, it’s the result of mutual effort. It’s pretty similar to playing tennis, where one person hits the ball, and the other person hits it back. Sometimes, one of us drops the ball, but quickly enough it’s picked back up again to continue the game.

At the same time, we should have some humility about how many relationships any person can actively maintain. Former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, in his book Together, describes concentric circles of connection: an intimate circle of close friends and confidantes, a larger relational circle of friends and companions, and a much larger collective circle of colleagues, acquaintances, and community. We need all of these kinds of connections, but we can’t maintain hundreds of relationships with the intensity of our closest friendships.